Martin arrived at Sunday school late. Miss Walter, his teacher, knew that Martin was usually very punctual so she asked him if anything was wrong.
Martin replied no, that he had been going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
Miss Walter was very impressed and asked the lad if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?
Martin replied, 'Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.'
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After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Denis sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, Denis replied, 'That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.'
http://www.guy-sports.com/jokes/clean_christian_jokes.htm ...
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the vicar was standing at the door, as he always was, to shake hands with the worshippers. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The vicar said to him, 'You need to join the army of the Lord.'
My friend replied, 'I'm already in the army of the Lord, Father.'
So the vicar enquired, 'Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and at Easter?'
My friend whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'
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Little Philip was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in infant school. His grandmotherndecided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother commented, 'Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?'
'Yes, 'replied Philip, 'God did it and he did it left handed.'
This confused his grandmother so she asked him, 'What makes you say God did this with his left hand?' 'Well, 'said Philip, 'we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand ...
A large, well built man visited the vicarage and asked to see the vicar's wife, who was well known for her charity.
As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, 'I'd like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are
about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their £400 rent arrears.'
'How frightful!' exclaimed the vicar's wife. 'May I ask who you are?'
The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, 'I'm their landlord.'
http ...
Father O'Malley was driving down to Boston when got stopped for speeding in Medford. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said, 'Father, have you been drinking?'
'Only water', replied Father O'Malley.
The policeman asked, 'Then how come I can smell wine?'
The priest looked at the bottle and said, 'Good Lord! He's done it again.'
http://www.guy-sports.com/jokes/clean_christian_jokes.htm ...
One day a Catholic an Anglican and a Methodist decided to go fishing. They got in their boat and rowed their way over to the middle of the lake.
The Catholic remarked, 'I've forgotten my hat,' so he got up, got out of the boat and walked across the water.
He returned and the Anglican said, 'I've forgotten the fishing bait,' so he got up, climbed out of the boat and walked across the water.
He came back and the Methodist murmured, 'I've forgotten the beer.' He got up, jumped out of the boat and was standing in the water then he sank.
The Anglican turned to the Catholic and asked, 'Do you think we ought to tell him were the stepping ...
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me,' said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
'Oh my word, thank you,' said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,' said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.&# ...
The statue of Christ the Redeemer is 125 ft tall. It was built on the peak of Mount Corcovado which is 2,330 ft high. See the evocative images in the slide show.
http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/videos/rio_christ_redeemer.htm ...
'There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service,' announced Reverend Morris.
After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of church for the announced meeting. However, there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before.
'My friend,' asked Reverend Morris, 'did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?'
'Oh, yes,' came the rejoinder from the visitor, 'and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get.'
http://www.guy-sports.com/months/funny_christian_jokes.htm ...
Father George was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: 'Fool'.
The following Sunday, in church, Father George announced to the assembled congregation, 'I have known many people who have written letters to me and forgotten to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his
name and had forgotten to write a letter.'
http://www.guy-sports.com/months/funny_christian_jokes.htm ...
Father John is walking down the street one day when he notices a Nathan, a very small boy, trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, Nathan is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, Father John moves closer to Nathan's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to Nathan's level, Father John smiles benevolently and asks, 'And now what, my little man?' To which Nathan replies with a beaming grin, 'Now we run! ...
A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first ever graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an destitute man with no family or friends.
Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.
He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.
As the ...
Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John's Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.
He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.' With even greater emphasis he added, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.' Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.'
The Reverend Morgan then sat down. Jerry, St John's leading chorister stood up and announced with a ...
The reverend King's sermon was based on forgiveness. He urged the congregation not to harbour grudges against those who have offended them.
Reverend King asked everyone to stand. He then said 'those of you who forgive and forget past grievances please be seated'. About half of those in the
church sat. The preacher quoted Biblical verses and repeated his question to those still standing. At this point most sat down.
He pleaded further for them to follow the Christian way and one by one they sat down. Just one old lady remained standing; 'Madam' reverend King asked
'why can't you forgive your enemies?'
'Because I have none' she replied ...
Under same management for over 2,000 years.
Soul food served here.
Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk.
You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.
Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!
Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.
We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rock.
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
Come early for a good seat in the back.
Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?
The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened ...
For everything there is a season, And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, And a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
...
This is fiction, only for the purpose of explanation and easy understanding and has been adapted from the original by Will and Guy.
The night fell heavy in the heights of the mountains and Barney could not see anything. All was black.
Zero visibility, and the moon and the stars were covered by the clouds.
As he was climbing only a few feet away from the top of the mountain, Barney slipped and fell in to the
air, falling at great speed. He could only see black spots as he went down, and the terrible sensation of
being sucked by gravity. Barney continued falling and in the moments of great fear, it came to his mind all the good and bad episodes of his life. He was thinking now about h ...
Marge, a poor widow spoke one morning to her five young children, 'My darlings, I can give you nothing to eat this morning. I have no bread or anything else to eat. Ask the dear Lord to help us. He is rich and mighty, and has said Himself, "Call upon
me in the day of trouble, and I will deliver thee." '
Little Robyn, who was just seven years old, was very hungry and sad as she walked to school. As she passed by the open door of the church, she went in, and kneeling down, she prayed with a loud voice in what she thought was an empty church, 'Dear Father in Heaven, we children have nothing to eat. Our mother has no bread, no meal, not even a piece of fruit. O, help ...
A small congregation in the foothills of the Great Smoky Mountains, USA, built a new church on a piece of land left to them by a church member in his will.
Ten days before the new church was to open, the local building inspector informed the vicar that the parking lot was inadequate for the size of the building. Until the church doubled the size of the parking lot, they would not be able to use the
new sanctuary.
Unfortunately, the church with its undersized parking lot had used every inch of their land except for the mountain against which it had been built. In order to build more parking spaces, they would have to move the mountain out of the back yard.
Undaunted, the pastor announ ...
totw ministry - reaching out to the ends of the earth ...